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M.A.R.S. For Parents

Introduction

The M.A.R.S. Program strives to support males ages 13-25 in taking a responsible role in all areas of sexual and reproductive health. As a program intended to support young men, we encourage parents to join in our efforts, and take part in their son's development of responsible sexuality. This section offers you:

Tips for Addressing Sexuality

When talking to youth about sexuality and other sensitive topics, parents should be prepared. The following general tips will help to open the doors to successful communication when dealing with such topics.

  1. Have a two-way conversation not a one-way lecture.
    • People, age aside, are much more responsive to advice when their current views are heard and accepted.
  2. Be open, honest, and clear, about your own attitudes and opinions, and be accepting of theirs.
    • Talk about your own experiences and decisions; tell him [or her] how you felt about your decisions then, and how you feel about them now.
  3. Discuss "hot topic" issues such as plans for sexually-charged, heat of the moment situations. (e.g. Are you ready to have sex? Have you spoken to your partner about sex? And, will you use a condom?)
    • In these sexually-charged moments, people tend to act on impulse. Having a well-rehearsed plan of action will reduce the risk of making a poor decision.
  4. Use "teachable moments", like televised depictions of sexuality, to start conversation.
    • The sexuality issues that are most commonly misunderstood are those that are commonly misrepresented by the media. Ask what they saw, heard and felt; then explain your thoughts and feelings.
  5. Know your facts.
    • Do research so you have the most up to date information to share with your child. Also, if you know what you're talking about, you'll feel more comfortable during conversations with your child. If you don't have answers to your child's questions, tell them you will look up the answer and tell them as soon as you know. Or better yet, look up the information together.
  6. Be an "askable parent".
    • Reward your child when he or she asks you questions by responding, "I'm glad you came to me with that question." This will show them that you welcome their questions and make them feel more comfortable asking questions in the future.

The Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States is an excellent resource for parents. For more tips, go to: http://www.siecus.org/parent/now/now0002.html

Additional Tips (Source: www.wiseguysnc.org)

Talking to Your Child

Research shows that parental involvement is the most effective means of fostering a young person's development of responsible sexuality. Many studies also indicate that youth prefer to learn about sexual health from their parents. However, because it is often uncomfortable to approach their parents, youth often turn to their friends or the media for answers. Unfortunately, much of what they learn is wrong!

Breaking down communication barriers around sexual health is, for most, notably daunting and intimidating; fortunately, there is help. We have compiled helpful tips and Frequently Asked Questions or FAQ's for successful communication regarding a variety of sexual health issues concerning teens and young adults.

Talking to your son [or daughter] about:

Sex and Relationships

Sex and relationships are important parts of every person's life, and we, as people, are social and sexual by nature - your son [or daughter] included. Without close/intimate human interaction and sexuality, true mental health is impossible to achieve. Unfortunately, popular media outlets such as movies, television, music, magazines, and the Internet, are contorting sexuality into something inaccurate and potentially harmful to our youth.

It is important to frequently communicate with your son [or daughter] the true nature of sex, relationships, and sexuality, in order to discredit the false impressions and misrepresentations of sex and relationships distributed by our society's popular forms of media.

Tips for Sex and Relationships Communication:

  1. Start talking to your child about sex and relationships early and continue to talk with them often.
    • Opinions and ideas change rapidly during adolescence and young adult years, maintain your influence over those changes.
  2. Ask how they feel about sex and relationships, what actions constitute sex, what is or is not appropriate, when and with whom should they start having sex?
  3. Teach through example, demonstrate what a healthy relationship looks like and talk about how it works.
    • Showing and talking about the work that goes into a successful relationship will help your son [or daughter] understand what it takes to be in a healthy relationship

Frequently Asked Questions:

Gender Roles

As a male directed program, we strive to have participants gain knowledge about the ways in which the media impacts society and young people's perceptions of masculinity and femininity. Our Gender Box activity provides a clever demonstration of common gender roles, ideas and stereotypes.

The trick to overcoming gender roles is to become aware of them and expose them. Images of males and females are sometimes difficult to see as stereotypes because they are strongly connected with deep-seated beliefs about the roles of males and females in our society, and many people find it disturbing when these roles are questioned.

Tips for Exposing Gender Roles:

  1. M.A.R.S. uses an activity called Real Men and Women Take a Stand during health education classes to help participants learn about the messages that boys receive about masculinity. Click here if you'd like to give it a try: Real Men and Women Take a Stand.
  2. Ask your son [or daughter] questions like:
    • What does it mean to "be a man [or woman]"?
    • What is the man's [or woman's] role in a relationship?
    • Is it OK for a man [woman] to turn down sexual advances?
    • What are your sexual limits?
  3. Teach through example: If you find yourself playing into the society's norms of gender roles, spend some time learning about how society has impacted how you behave. Share these insights with your child.

Frequently Asked Questions:

Contraceptives

The best way to prevent unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections (STIs) is to abstain from sexual intercourse entirely. There are, however, many very effective ways to avoid unwanted pregnancies and reduce the risk of STIs for those who do choose to be sexually active.

Tips for Discussing Contraceptives:

  1. Stay informed. Knowing what is available is essential. Here is an easy-to-read contraceptives chart for your convenience. This chart includes various types of contraceptives, their effectiveness, and proper use.
  2. Remember, just because you discuss contraceptives does not mean you are encouraging your son or daughter to become sexually active.
  3. Current laws allow minors to acquire contraceptives without parental consent.

Frequently Asked Questions:

Sexually Transmitted Infections and HIV/AIDS

Sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and HIV/AIDS are real risks for sexually active teenagers, even in smaller communities like those found in many areas in Oregon. It is important that your child understand this risk and that you can't always tell if someone is infected.

Tips for Discussing STIs and HIV/AIDS

  1. Stay informed. There is so much information about sexually transmitted infections that it may seem overwhelming. It is not obligatory to know all of the details of every STI, but there are generalizations that can be made about STIs. For example, not all STIs show symptoms or some STIs can go away, but they may come back. Click on this link to learn more about STIs and HIV/AIDS: STIs and HIV/AIDS.
  2. Respect your son's [or daughter's] privacy. You can convey information about preventing STIs and HIV/AIDS without getting into specific detail about their personal life, especially if they feel uncomfortable.

Frequently Asked Questions:

Pregnancy

Although the rate of teenage pregnancy in the United States has been declining, it remains the highest in the developed world. Approximately 97 per 1,000 women aged 15-19, one million American teenagers, become pregnant each year. The majority of these pregnancies, 78 percent, are unintended (Alan Guttmacher Institute, 1999).

Moreover, because the average age of menarche (first menstrual flow) has reached an all-time low of about 12 or 13 years (Potts, 1990), and because four out of five young people have sex as teenagers (AGI, 1999), a greater proportion of teenage girls are at risk of becoming pregnant than ever before.

M.A.R.S. is a resource available to you, the parent, to help protect your son [or daughter] from an unintended pregnancy.

In Benton County, OR teen pregnancy rates (females aged 15-17) between 1993 and 2002 have declined significantly as shown in the table below.

Table 1: Teen Pregnancy Rates (females aged 15-17) in Benton County, OR
1993 1994 1995 1996 1997 1998 1999 2000 2001 2002
25.9 28 27.1 26.7 20.4 17.6 24.3 11.9 6.8 17.5

Rates are per 1,000 female population ages 15-17.

Source: Oregon Department of Health

AGI, Alan Guttmacher Institute. (1995). Issues in Brief: Lawmakers Grapple with Parents' Role in Teen Access to Reproductive Health Care. New York: Alan Guttmacher Institute

Potts, D. Malcolm. (1990). "Adolescence and Puberty: An Overview." In John Bancroft and June Machover Reinisch, eds., Adolescence and Puberty (pp. 269-279). New York: Oxford University Press.

Tips for Discussing Pregnancy:

  1. Share information on how pregnancy occurs.
  2. Be sure to emphasize that there is a chance of pregnancy if sperm come in contact with a female's vagina, even if intercourse does not take place.
  3. Make sure to emphasize that pregnancy is not the only potential consequence of sexual activity, sexually transmitted infections are risks as well.

Frequently Asked Questions:

Talking Back: What Teens Want Adults to Know About Teen Pregnancy

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy compiled this list of questions and concerns from teens across the United States. We hope this section will provide you with valuable insight and help you respond positively to your own son's [or daughter's] needs and concerns.

  1. Show us why teen pregnancy is such a bad idea.
    For example, let us hear directly from teen parents about how hard it has been for them. Hearing the real story from teen mothers and fathers can make a big difference. Help us understand why teen pregnancy can get in the way of reaching our goals.
  2. Show us what good, responsible relationships look like.
    We're as influenced by what you do as by what you say. We know what hypocrisy means and what it looks like. If you show respectful communication and responsibility yourselves, we will be more likely to follow your example. We also don't expect you to be perfect and want you to know that we can learn from your difficult experiences and mistakes as well.
  3. Talk to us honestly about love, sex, and relationships.
    Just because we're young doesn't mean that we can't fall in love or be interested in sex. These feelings are very real and powerful to us. Talk to us about all this (but no lectures please). If you won't discuss these issues with us, please help us find another adult who will.
  4. Telling us not to have sex is not enough.
    Explain why you feel that way (if you do), and ask us what we think. Tell us how you felt as a teen, but understand that things may be different for us. Discuss emotions, not just health and safety. Keep an open mind, encourage us to share our thoughts and feelings with you, listen to us, and take our opinions seriously. Again, no lectures.
  5. Even if we don't ask, we still have questions.
    How do I know when having sex is the right thing to do? Should I wait until marriage? How far is too far for me or someone my age? How do I say "no"? How do I handle all the pressures from my friends? If we don't start these conversations, you should.
  6. Whether we're having sex or not, we need to be prepared.
    We need to know how to avoid pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. That means information about saying no and about using protection. We need honest and helpful information from the people we trust most. If we don't get the information from you, we are going to get it somewhere else.
  7. If we ask you about sex or birth control, don't assume we are already "doing it".
    We may just be curious, or we may just want to talk with someone we trust. And don't think giving us information about sex and birth control will encourage us to have sex. We need to know the facts so that we can make good decisions in the future, maybe next week, maybe years from now.
  8. Pay attention to us before we get into trouble.
    Reward us for doing the right thing, even when it seems like no big thing. Don't shower us with attention only when we do something wrong. The more involved you are in good ways, the less likely we'll be to make bad decisions. Talk with us about our friends, our school, what we're interested in and worried about, even the latest gossip. Come to our games and to school things. Show us that you care what is happening in our lives.
  9. Don't leave us alone so much.
    Sometimes we have sex because there's not much else to do. If you can't be home with us when we're not in school, know what we're up to, make sure we have something to do that we really like, where there are other kids and some adults around who are comfortable with us. If we're at a party, make sure there is an adult around.
  10. We really care what you think, even if we don't always act like it.
    Even though we may look all grown up, we still want your help and advice. But remember, we are living in a very different time than when you were growing up. Your experiences were not the same as ours and the choices we face are often different. When we don't do exactly what you tell us to do, don't think you failed, and don't stop trying.
  11. We hate "The Talk" as much as you do.
    Please don't sit us down for a "sex talk." Instead, start talking with us about sex, love, and relationships when we're young, and keep the conversation going as we grow older. Making us feel comfortable and encouraging us to talk and ask questions is important, too, just make sure you listen to the answers. If you get angry or upset about our questions or ideas, we won't talk about these things with you again.
  12. For us, it's not about abstinence or contraception; it's about abstinence and contraception.
    We get it. We know the best way to protect ourselves is not to have sex. But we also need to know about contraception. It seems to us that adults waste an awful lot of time arguing about all this.